As with many great stories, mine began with a good old-fashioned kick in the sack. It was a beautiful day in Obama’s America. People were smiling, their hopes were high, and we were weeks away from having our hearts eviscerated. My friends and I had been out for two hours too long, and lining our stomach become imperative.

After much deliberation, we settled on Pizza Di Parma in Arlington, VA. We each searched the menu for that special something. You know what I am talking about. That perfect item. A flawless combination of saturated fats and ecstasy that will take you to the place 5th Grade Health warned you about. I zeroed in on the pizza, but I wasn’t in the mood to be dazzled by superfluous shit. My pleasures were simple:  fried cheese.

I placed my order with the conviction of a pharmaceuticals rep, and laid my money on the table like I was dropping the mic. I waited eons for those sticks to come. During that time I thought about my place in the universe….I am still balls deep in that existential rabbit hole.

Finally the time came. My package arrived like a life raft saving me from the seas of my impending hangover. I unclasped the styrofoam chest with a gentle touch, and lifted the top to find the prize inside:

Disappointment does not even touch the surface of what I felt at this moment. I was seeing in double, but trust me when I tell you, both options sucked. I hesitated as I reached for one of these deflated shafts. They were cracked and leaking like a reactor in Chernobyl, and there was barely any substance left. I summoned the courage to take a bite.

Let me tell you, it was only slightly more appealing than getting punched in the face. The breading was almost soggy, and the cheese was allusive. I was so frustrated. How could this unjustice take place? Someone needs to protect those who want something tasty to make all those wrongs right. Much like Batman harnessed a symbol of fear to create his alter-ego, I drew from the source of my pain. Mozzstickman was born.

I am a queso vigilante living my life one questionable decision at a time. I will uncover the hidden gems and defend you from the h8trs. As I once told my babysitter, ” I will lie to everyone else, but I will NEVER lie to you.” I promise to remain at least 93% honest at all times. Continue to check in every week for updates, and find me on Instagram @mozzstickman and Snapchat @mozzstickman.